He’s too touchy feely, she’s as cold as ice. Where is the octopus and ice queen getting it so wrong?
If you have ever been on a date where someone has been overly touchy or perhaps has gone in for a kiss way too soon, you’ll no doubt agree is it awkward. Being caught off guard it can leave you feeling like your personal space has been violated and disconnects the flow of a date. On the other
end of the spectrum maybe you’ve experienced the feeling of someone being cold, distant and shut down, no matter what you do you can’t seem to connect with them, even though they are friendly enough you just feel the frosty cold shoulder? Is this just a matter meeting the wrong people or is
there something deeper going on?
Dating is complicated, on the one hand it’s never been easier to get a date thanks to technology and the rise of endless digital dating options. But on the other hand, the ease of getting a date with so much choice and the swipe right culture of I want it and I want it now can leave you feeling like a
disposable commodity.
Ask any single person on the dating treadmill and the one thing they all have in common is the the desire for chemistry, that special spark you get when meeting someone you really connect with. Physical attraction alone won’t always guarantee a spark, nor will a great conversation or wealth, so
what is it that creates chemistry and connection? When asked to describe chemistry the answer never seems as easy as the question. If you are like many you probably agree it is something you can’t quite put your finger on contributing it to a combination of many things.
THE SECRET NOBODY TOLD YOU ABOUT CHEMISTRY
There are so many components at play when we interact on a date and given around 70% of the way we communicate is non-verbal the answers lay in body language. You are communicating without even opening your mouth. If the search for love begins with chemistry, you need to be aware of how
the brain and body respond to non-verbal communication and where you have the potential to get it very wrong on a date.
Let’s start with the power of touch which releases the hormone Oxytocin (commonly known as the love hormone). Touch promotes trust and bonding whilst at the same time lowering cortisol the stress hormone both aiding in social bonding, building rapport and empathy.
If you know how and where to touch someone it will raise your chances of finding the ‘elusive’ chemistry but if you get it wrong, you’ll send your date running for the hills. In a study conducted by Oxford University and Finland’s’ Aalto University scientists created a body map index which shows men are more comfortable being touched by a stranger almost anywhere as long as it’s a woman, but women have strict boundaries to being touched by someone they don’t know.
When it comes to touch, there is a simple formula. If you don’t do it the first time you meet chances are you most likely won’t get a second date; but if you do it at the wrong time, in the wrong area you’ll never get a second date.
THE 7 GOLDEN RULES WHICH MUST BE FOLLOWED TO ENSURE YOU “TOUCH
RIGHT”.
1) Make eye contact at the same time as touching
2) Be close enough that it is not an awkward full arm extension to reach the person, the gesture must be natural and done with ease.
3) Give only a light touch using your fingers which shouldn’t linger too long. The first touch should never resemble you stroking and patting them like your favourite pet.
4) Smile at the same time: smiling releases endorphins (happy chemicals) which are comforting for the giver and receiver.
5) Never touch a woman you don’t know, for the first time anywhere except her hands and arms below the shoulders.
6) Don’t invade peoples’ personal spatial comfort zone in an attempt to get touched or to gain easy access.
7) Tilt your head as the gesture shows you are comfortable and confident which helps put the other person at ease.
Take time to observe what is going on around you and set the pace for the relationship you desire, be conscious of the importance of non-verbal communication and never underestimate the power of touch.
