Have you come out of a relationship and spent time on your own a realized you miss your ex-partner and want them back? Splitting up with somebody and going your separate ways there will often be at least one of you or perhaps both of you are starting to question your decision of parting ways and if there is a chance to get back together. Can it actually work out with an ex? Of course we know people who have successfully come back together after a breakup, but more often than not the reconciliation doesn’t work. There are 3 important things to ask yourself before you decide to take the trip down the road of reconciliation.
Step 1: Ask yourself why you want to get back with your ex
Really be honest with yourself and ask yourself why would you want them back? When you ask this question and are really honest you’re going to hear yourself answer things like “I miss them”. “I feel lonely”, “I’m not sure I made the right choice” and “I didn’t think it would be this hard”. These are common emotions to go through, is it about them or is it actually about you and your fears that you made a mistake, fear that you might not find someone else, fear that they might find someone else and move on.
Fears can keep us from moving forward but the more pain but the more pain there is the more transformation you will experience. It’s very easy to get stuck in the fantasy and remember all the things you were infatuated with, you romanticize the relationship – like you have relationship amnesia and forget about all the reasons why you broke up in the first place. You can’t fear the future because the future actually hasn’t happened yet, any time you’re feeling the loss and fear about something it’s only the associated things that have happened to you. Understand that the time that you’re spending apart and building your life back together that is going to be difficult.
Step 2: Remember why you broke up
Remind yourself about the reasons why decided to end the relationship. There may have been hurtful words and disagreements that can’t be taken back or perhaps an addiction of some kind. You need to start thinking about why you broke up and who broke it off with who, if you’re the person who has been rejected you sometimes crave to have that person back just to get over that rejection. You have to remember that when you were in the relationship there were times when you struggled because clearly if you didn’t you wouldn’t have broken up. Relationships have two sides- they have their positives and their negatives, their pains and their pleasures. It’s not natural to go through life without having no pain without pleasure. The pain you might be going through now and missing your ex and feeling lonely, people experience the same when in a relationship as well. Sometimes the loneliest place can be lying next to somebody and feeling more alone than being by yourself. If you’re going through the separation and building your life back together, it’s natural to cling onto the nostalgia of the past because there’s more pain associated with pushing forward- but that’s actually transformation.
Step 3: What makes you think it will work this time
What changes realistically need to be made in order for the two of you to get back together? Have you been working on yourself? Has your ex been working on themselves? The fundamental truth is you have no right to try and change somebody. People have to make their own decisions about whether or not they want to change and if you decide to love somebody, you have to accept both sides of them as soon as you start placing demands and expectations on the relationship, it has very little chance of surviving, You can’t change your ex, you can only grow and change yourself to be more tolerant, patient and expect less from your partner in terms of wanting them to do everything your way because relationships are two ways. Time heals certain wounds because it pushes them to the back of your memory and as soon as you get back with them, all that old stuff comes up and if you haven’t dealt with the past you’re not going to be able to reconcile with the present and certainly not going to be able to move forward effectively with your past.
When you decide you want to get back together with your ex, everything has to start with a clean slate. You can’t try to solve everything from your past and need to find a strategy for moving forward.
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